Tuesday, May 29, 2012


     I know, I know, sexuality is not a decision. Yes, I agree, I was born this way. Still, I remember the moment I made the decision, and yes, it was a conscious thought, to be what I was meant to be. I had same-sex attractions growing up, but believed that was just a normal process of adolescence. I loved a few men, one in particular (still love you, sweetie,) and thought I would be the traditional wife and mother. I married, had a child, and after two and a half years was divorced. (The ex is not the one I still love, by the way.) I tried on several relationships after that, but until I met the love of my life, I never considered a lesbian relationship as part of my future.
     The day I met my now wife, something clicked in my head. I remember having deep conversations with myself after that first meeting. I was smitten and thought, “Oh God, what’s wrong with me?” Turns out, there was nothing wrong with me. I was simply following my heart that was screaming, “She’s the one!” So, I made that decision to be who I really was and love who I was meant to. I remember saying, “If God put her on this earth for me, then who am I to question that?” Twenty-five years later, I am so glad I made that choice.
     I could have continued to play the game, live the life my mother wanted me to, with the picket fence and husband. I have no aversion to men. Like I said, I loved a few, but when I was finally true to myself, the life I chose was with this woman. I have never looked back. We raised my son from age three and he loves my wife as much as I do. He is proud of his two moms and will tell anyone that wants to know that his life with us was a good one. In fact, we were the cool moms and all the kids hung out at our house. Our "non-traditional" home was the only one in the neighborhood with an adult at home and we took care of the neighborhood children, while the traditional homes were latchkey kids and no adults to be found. (Some of those kids came back as adults to thank us for taking care of them.) No, we are not the “traditional” family NOM and the other hate groups tout as the “only” legitimate family. We are that truly happy, stable couple, with a great son, and a fabulous relationship.
     I am writing this because we will celebrate our twenty-fifth anniversary on June 6th. Twenty-five years, a quarter century together, and still our relationship is deemed frivolous and sinful by so many. I will hold my loving, supportive, healthy relationship up to scrutiny by anyone. I’ve come to believe that my “choice” was not about my sexuality, but a choice to live the life I was meant to. I am blessed to have found my soul mate and equally blessed that I did not let that opportunity pass me by, because some people think it is wrong. By the way, if you choose to spout bible verses at me, please make sure you are not picking and choosing which verses you follow. There are quite a few verses in there that no one pays attention to anymore. You don’t get to eat shrimp, sleep around on your spouse, wear silk and wool together, and then say I am an abomination without getting in line to be stoned to death. By the way, there are several "traditional" marriages in the bible that you should take a look at before you quote too much. Even the ancient text, called The Bible, went through changes as society transitioned. I guess those transformations are okay with the religious right, as long as they were written thousands of years ago and have no bearing on society today. Consider the ludicrousness of that kind of thinking for a moment. On second thought, don't try to understand their reasoning, it will give you a headache.
     I don’t want to be married in your church if you don't want me there. There is a big difference between religious rites and civil rights. I simply want the rights granted to any married couple in this country. Two strangers can meet in Las Vegas, get drunk, get married by Elvis, and boom – they have the rights my wife and I do not, simply because they have the “appropriate” sexual organs to constitute a “legal marriage” in the US. So, my twenty-five year relationship is “less than” and “undeserving” of protection under the law, but waking up married to a stranger in Vegas is acceptable and legal. What’s wrong with this picture? What’s wrong is this country was founded by people seeking relief from religious persecution and now that’s all we see on the news, a group of citizens being targeted by religious zealots spouting ancient text with no real understanding of the text they so freely quote. The founding fathers have long since rolled over in the grave, dumbfounded by what has become of the “land of the free.” 
     To those who would say my sexuality is a choice, I say – BULLSHIT! The only choice I made was to live the life I was put on this earth to live. I chose to ignore the hate and vitriol being spouted at me for loving someone. (And by the way, that idiot preacher saying we should be rounded up in camps and euthanized, well if he was calling for the Jews, Blacks, or other group to be penned up, would he be getting away with that? I think not. Besides, I'd like to explain how I got here to him. My parents are heterosexuals, you dumb-ass, ignorant, bigot.) I chose to love this woman for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. I chose to have a happy life, laugh, cry, love, and live true to myself. Hate me for who I love. I don’t care what you think. The only regret I have is that I didn’t meet her sooner. To those who say my marriage is an abomination, I have only one thing to say:
     When you stand before your God on judgment day, do you think he’s going to care about the love Deb and I share, the happy family we created, the son we raised and are so proud of – or will the concern be for the hate and lies you spread, the time you wasted judging me, or the fact that you ignored these words, “And now abides faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

Happy Anniversary, Deb. 
Thank you for helping me make the right choice, LOVE!

"And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God."


  1. Beautiful blog! Brava!

  2. The sound you hear is applause, with a soft sigh. Beautifully said, my friend. Your eloquence astounds. Congratulations to you and Deb on this momentous anniversary, and many more.

  3. Thank you for those words..."I made the decision to be who I truly was."
    I hope you and Deb have a Wonderful Anniversary! Go and celebrate with those who love and respect you. Tell those who don't where they can shove their opinions.

  4. Bravo Decky! The years and years of homophobic pressure instituted on me by my so-called family came to an end last summer when I bid them farewell forever. Linda and I have been together for 30+ years. And for all those years, she has taken care of me and treated me with more respect and support than anybody from that pack of bigots. I too wish I had met her sooner because it wouldn't have taken me until just recently to rid our lives of that evil and hate. We were legally married in October last year. Her family and our close friends watched as we exchanged vows and then we all celebrated our union. Linda's brothers both made toasts and commented on the fact that their children had never known a day when there was not an "Aunt Linda & Aunt Laurie." Just recently our nephew sent me a text that read: "Happy Mother's day to my Aunt Mom." I cried like a baby when I read it.

    People who spend so much time hating and judging will never know the love we're capable of. Thanks for a wonderful blog Decky, and Happy Anniversary to you and Deb.

  5. A most excellent blog! Thanks for sharing.

  6. Wow such a wonderful blog. Congratulations on 25 years. That takes a lot of commitment! Actually you could teach these straight and gay couples a thing or two. Now a days, no one takes vows seriously or actually keep them. You are an inspiration to us all. Happy Anniversary. May we all have long and wonderful marriages like that!

  7. Thoughtfully composed and beautifully expressed.
    Congratulations to you and Deb and Best Wishes for many more years of love, laughter and commitment.

  8. Congratulations to you and Deb, Decky! 25 years is a marvelous milestone and deserves lots of recognition and praise. Thanks for the wonderful blog celebrating that fact. Sherrie and I will celebrate 21 years together in November and we just celebrated 19 years since our church wedding. Perhaps in our lifetime we will get to legally marry here in Minnesota, but legally or not, we are married. It would just be fantastic, and more than just and appropriate, to actually get the rights and privileges to go along with all the responsibilities. So congratulations and best wishes for a long life together!

    Anita Bradshaw

  9. Awesome blog Decky! Congratulations to you and Deb for 25 beautiful years and many more to follow. You speak for many who don't have the capability of writing words...well done!!!